An Apple (A Poem by Baolin CHENG) - 美华文学论坛

baolin

2004-12-06 23:09:17
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An Apple (A Poem by Baolin CHENG)

An Apple

Baolin Cheng

Subconsciously
She puts an apple
On the end of her thighs

A green light

Allows my eyes
To stay there longer decently
I’m looking at a part in her body
Where I should have avoided

A few minutes later
She puts the apple
Back on the desk
Nothing has changed
Except its color

Following the red apple
Now I remove my eyes
From that part of her body

Only the fragrance of fruit
Remains on the end of her thighs
Its sweetness permeates
The soft fabric there

[ 这个贴子最后由Aihua在12/6/2004 11:47:51 PM编辑过 ]

baolin cheng

Aihua

2004-12-06 23:26:32
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艾华

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Baolin, a very sensual and tasteful poem. Two minor points:

1. The reference to the "Grenn Light" led me to fathom you and she were in the same car, with one driving (probably you) and the other, being a passenger. But then your reference to a "desk" seems to repudiate that guess. A bit confusing there. You may want to clear it up.

2."Allows my eyes
To stay there longer decently"
Wouldn't "steadily" be better than "longer decently"?
The situation presents itself to you. You just happened to be at the "wrong" place at the "wrong" time. In my view, there's nothing indecent about it. :-D

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Admin

2004-12-06 23:32:51
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徽章

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It is a nice poem. It reminds me of Pablo Neruda.

王明玉

baolin

2004-12-07 00:14:53
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Both offered good comments. Thank you. For Aihua: 1, "the green light 'used in a single line to hint that the green apple functions as a green light ( pay
attention to the last line in the fourth stanza.) If she were driving, she
couldn't play the apple; if the narrator were driving, he couldn't steadily
look at her body, so obviously it happens in a room. 2. " steadily" is better,
as it saves a word to make this line shorter. I may adopt your suggestion. You
are great!Thank you.

baolin cheng

Aihua

2004-12-07 00:27:48
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艾华

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Baolin, thank you for enlightening us! Please keep sending your great work this way, wouldn't y'a?

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shashi

2004-12-07 11:27:36
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I'm not an expert in poems, but again I'm hardly an expert in anything. Baolin's poem has
raised my eyebrows.A lot of eyebrows. Good taste, good imagination and good linguistic
skills. That's the made of a good peot. The way to go. Baolin.

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Aihua

2004-12-07 15:04:59
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艾华

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Shashi, you're being very modest! Any English works to share with us here?

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shashi

2004-12-07 16:42:23
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Aihua, you are such a gentleman. I like you a lot.

No, unfortunately I don't feel comfortable enough to write creative pieces in English,
although I involve in a lot of news writing on my job. If my interest in writing can
further develop, I may get into fiction writing in English later on. But that's a long
shot.

Regards,

Shashi

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shaodan

2004-12-10 21:08:05
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You have a lot of passion. And I consider that is the most important element to be a good writer.

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