前数年写的…哀悼
The Bird
The storm was passing.
She could feel the gusts of winds and the lashes of the rain, which had threatened to tear her body into tiny pieces beginning to subside. Yes, she had survived yet another trial of strength, test of will.
She never wanted such trial but the choice was never hers to make.
Seven years now. Seven years, more than two thousand sunrises and sunsets, the darkness and the cold, she had been on her wings; non-stop. There was no way to stop and rest. To land, she would require legs. And she was born without any. She could not know how she had survived all these days and nights. She had fed in flight, dozed off in mid air and only woke up seconds before fatal clash onto solid rock. She knew she was different. All her kind followed different routine: soaring into the morning cool with the first light of dawn, searching for prey and finding safety and shelter at some chosen spots called home, sharing the spoils with their mates or off-springs. To them, she was incomprehensible, a kind of awkward embarrassment to the whole clan. How could she be like that? Without feet and claws, my God! What had she done to receive such punishment? Then the initial inquisitiveness gave way to silent withdrawals. They no longer bothered to ostracize, if such was possible for a bird. They simply pretended she did not exist and silently wished that after another night, she would just disappear, whatever her fate might be and life would carry on as usual. There would be always fishes to placate their hunger and mates to neck and another generation to nourish. How dare she insult their practical mundane universe?
“Go away! Go away!” The shrills were made with rage and threatening. She looked into those reddish eyes filled with impatience, rage and even fear. Yes, fear. For who was she? What was she? Why did she just not die?
She had wanted it too. Death. A long awaited sleep in the icy blue or a short dash on the hard rocks. The pain was nothing as compared to that agony she had to suffer every day, every night, every single minute of her existence. But she had refused to die, refused to give up…no, not yet, not like this…
She knew what she wanted. She also knew she was not going to get it. Which respectable bird would accept her as a mate, even a friend? The idea of being a friend to a bird without legs is simply unthinkable. It is so unbird.
So, alone, she flew on, round and round the breeding ground of her clan. And when the time came for them to migrate, she tailed the clan from a distance. Little did the other birds knew how much she loved them, how much she would love to be accepted as one of them.
“Go away! Go away!” The shrills seemed never to end.
She had flown out, away from the fishing ground and into areas unknown to any of the flock. She had soared over the tip of mountains, glided over distant seas and skimmed treetops. She had braved scourging winds and blinding rain. But always she came back. And on some unexpected dawn, the flock would look up in disgust to see her hovering above…
“Go away! Go away!”
Her heart was as heavy as her wings. She never gave up the longing for love but had long realized it was a futile wait. She would continue to fly till one day the inevitable would come. May be Death was her only destined love…gentle and caring in his reach for her, cradling her in his strong cold bosom…
Then he appeared.
To be frank, he was not a strong bird, not even above average in appearance. His beak was short and a little bent and his face not one of those that would capture the admiring gaze of young females. But as she flew pass him, she noticed his special pair of eyes…such sympathetic and friendly eyes, even philosophical, looking up at her in a way no other bird had done. There was no sound of “Go away!”
She sighed. She must be mistaken. How could a bird be sympathetic to her? He was not the pick of the flock but he was healthy with two solid feet. He was normal.
Then it happened. She heard the rustle of feathers behind her and when she looked back, she was just in time to see him take off.
“What is he doing?” a sudden fear invaded her tiny heart. Was he following me? Did he mean harm? What should I do?
She tried to evade him. She was by far a better flyer and she could out-fly him with ease. But this bird was persistent! No matter how much behind he was, he always closed up in time.
“Hey, what are you doing? Can’t you see with your eyes? I am without legs. I am different. I am not for you.”
His eyes became a bit sad but he did not utter any sound and he did not give up.
“Go back!” she was a bit angry now. This had gone too far.
“Go back!”
The male bird shook his head.
“Alright, you asked for it!” With a flutter, she spread her wings, those wings long hardened by the years of continuous flight, by those terrible battles with whipping winds and the scorching sun. And she went up and up. She knew he could not fly this high…no, not without her skills. But when she looked back down, she saw him still following her, struggling now as he climbed into thinner and thinner air. Yet, he moved upward.
“You fool!” she did not really want to see him crash. So, she made a turn and came beside him.
“Are you nuts? You can be killed. What do you want?”
“To be your friend,” The answer was simple enough.
She starred, not believing her own ears.
“What did you say?” She felt as if all her strength had suddenly left her. No, please, this could not be true. God, do not play this with me. I have learned to master the loneliness now but I could never survive this. Do not make my dream come true and then tell me this is nothing but a hoax.
“I want to be your friend.”
“But…but…I do not have…legs…” her voice now carried almost a timid tone. She had wanted this moment, waited for this moment and now it was here and she could not accept it. It must have been a dream…I must have dozed off again in flight…
But it was not dream. The sun was hot and the currents under her wings strong. She could tell reality.
“Please…” He was pleading.
And for the first time in her life, she realized a smile could shine on her face.
And in a pair they flew. Oh, they flew. They rolled, turned and somersaulted in perfect harmony. She never knew she could do this. How powerful were her wings! How different the skies!
And onward they flew, over brooks and lakes and cliffs and coves…she had been to some of these places before; to him, it was all new, exciting and so different from what he was used to see, used to believe…
It was a glorious day!
And slowly the hour passed. The sun began its tiring decline down the sky dome and night silently crept in. The wind was colder now…and less supportive. She was not affected. This was what she was subjected to every night in the past and today she was so happy, still so full of energy. But his movement became slower now, his reflex a tiny bit slower than the moment before and then another tiny bit slower. She knew he was not used to this. He could not survive this.
“Go back, please!”
His body shook.
“No, I want to stay with you.”
“But this is not possible…you will die…”
He was stubborn and insistent.
“No! You must go back!”
Again he shook his head.
She bit her beak and she knew she could not make him go, unless he could no longer see her.
So, with a powerful surge, she darted into the upper clouds. She was certain he would follow but if she climbed higher and higher, he would not be able to keep up and would have to return.
She was wrong.
She had a shrill, a cry and she knew she had made her biggest mistake. She wheeled and dashed down and saw her friend lost all control and plummeted straight into the dark sea!
“No!!!!!” she screamed and darted to where his broken body was floating with the waves.
He was still alive but both of them knew he had not long to live. No bird could live like this with both his wings shattered.
“Why?” she was choking in her voice.
“Because I love you…I have loved you for so long …and only today I gathered enough courage…..I was so glad…”
And he closed his eyes and allowed his head to dip under water.
She felt the moist in her eyes. Tears---the first in her life.
Then, she made up her mind. Her wings slowed and then gradually, stopped and her body fell and hit the water beside her only friend. Her neck rested on his. Coldness began to invade her nerves. She knew she would never spread her wings again. She had tasted the most perfect flight and it was enough…
She opened her eyes and found herself in a most dazzling place…there were so many birds, pure white, flying around…such peace, such happiness…and all of them without legs. And he was there, beaming, waiting for her…
And she was flying too…but no more fatigue, no more lonely heart.
“Why do they all not have legs?” she asked.
And God ‘s voice ringed in her heart: “Because only birds without legs can come here.”
She could not understand.
God smiled. “Only when you lose your feet will you be willing to really take off…all birds are born without feet. It was only when they became too frightened that they invented feet to cover their fear.”
And she smiled and understood and knew she had finally returned home….
